Hello Lovelies!

I’m getting terribly excited about this coming week because I’m taking a trip to Minnesota with my husband, and 2 of my kids!

Our 21-year-old has friends there and is thinking of going to school there, so we’re taking a fun trip to explore the city, let them hang with friends, and help them have some clarity on making that big decision!

Regardless, we’re gonna have some fun exploring and taking a break from work for a bit!

So this week I wanted to answer some questions i often get about 1:1 coaching specifically for relationships.

I often get questions like, How does this 1:1 coaching work for a relationship? Don’t you have to have BOTH people trying in order to make things work?  They’ll say things like, “I’ve already been giving my all to this relationship. I’m exhausted by trying so hard. My partner should step up too. How can we learn to communicate together, if I’m the only one communicating?  And the problem isn’t with me, it’s with them!


And before I go on to answer these questions, first I just want to acknowledge the pain some of you are struggling with right now. It is exhausting and frustrating to feel like you’re the only one giving and you’re not getting anything in return.

But I also want to give you some hope today that you will not always feel this way. There is hope. There is another way out of your pain than the stress and striving that you’re currently experiencing.


And that may be through personal 1:1 coaching for you. But before you decide on that, I want to tell you what that looks like, how it helps you, and how it even helps your partner.

So what even is a relationship?

Most of us, when we think about a relationship think about it like this … there’s another person… and then there’s us … and then there’s that space in between which is our relationship.

But I like to think about it a little differently.

A relationship is actually just our thoughts.  It’s two people that are having lots of thoughts about each other. So your relationship with another person is simply your thoughts … about that person.

This is why you can have a relationship with someone you hardly ever see. I’m not a big phone communicator … so there are many people in my life who live far away that I love dearly, think the world about and only talk to about 5 times per year. But I think highly of them, and thoroughly enjoy my conversations when we do talk.

I have incredible relationships with them because of the way I think about them.

So a relationship is simply your thoughts about another person. Your experience of a relationship only has to do with how YOU think about that person.

This is important to understand first. Because it helps you realize that the way another person acts does not determine how you feel.  YOU and only you get to decide how you feel and choose to react to another persons choices.

Understanding you get to choose how YOU relate to them, gives you the power back over your own relationships. It puts you in the driver’s seat of how YOU show up and choose to think about that other person in your life. And now you get to decide what to make of and create with your relationship.

Most people think that the way another person acts is a determination of what the relationship is. A good example of this is when I had a client whose husband’s ex-wife was taking actions she didn’t like about her step-child. My client … thought that the ex-wife was just awful – she said she was making her life miserable and had lots and lots of negative thoughts about her. We did a lot of work on helping her to create a relationship with the ex-wife that was full of love and compassion … and that was 100% in my client’s control! The ex-wife could keep doing the same things she was doing … however, my client learned to create a beautiful relationship with her – simply by intentionally choosing how to think and show up in a way she was proud of.

She took her power back … not through arrogance and anger – but through her own ability to choose what to think and how to feel.

Her relationship with the ex-wife was 100% determined in her own thoughts … not by the other person’s feelings or actions.

Nobody has the power in any relationship to determine how you feel. That is your choice and in your power.  So because of this, we get to use our own minds to choose how we think and feel. Our thoughts, feelings, and actions are never determined by someone else’s thoughts feelings, and actions… only we are in control of that.

Once that basic understanding of a relationship is understood, the next important step is to understand

1. How to think about, manage, and be deliberate about your relationship with yourself.

1. What are your thoughts about yourself? How is your relationship with You?
2. How confident are you in every area of your life?
3. Do you recognize your own power and magnificence in your own life?
4. If not, you are not going to show up in your relationship how you want to.
5. An incredible relationship with yourself is the most important skill to learn before you improve your relationship with anyone else.
   

2. The next thing I teach you is how to understand the manual – if you listened to episode 9, you know that the manual is like a rule book on how we think other people should behave.  And it sets us up for disappointment. These manuals cause you a tremendous amount of pain and waste an enormous amount of time!
   
   Because people rarely comply with our manuals!  When you release the manual you gain freedom because you’re no longer trying to change other people. You realize that’s not your job and now you are free to focus on what you can change in your world.

        This is a hard concept for some of my clients to grasp at first, but when they do, it’s like a light bulb goes off and they suddenly have so much understanding of where they want to go and how to get there!

3. The next thing I teach you how to do is to let go of any conditions that you have on feeling the love.  You are in control of how much love you feel.
   When you can learn the skill of feeling love for people no matter what … the benefit for you is that you get to feel love all the time … and love feels amazing! There are no downsides to unconditional love … none whatsoever!  
   
   And if you’re saying, but wait – what if I’m in an abusive relationship?  I want to offer that you always get to choose.  Unconditional love does not mean you don’t have boundaries. It is possible to love and leave. And that gives you power not only over your emotions … but over your life as well.
   
4. This brings me to the next thing I work with my clients on … I help them to stop people-pleasing – which means to stop saying yes when you want to say no.
   
   and how to set appropriate boundaries when needed. You can do both of these things from a place of love. But to care for yourself and others around you, is one of the most important skills you need.  Saying no and setting boundaries are not THREATS to someone …
   
   To stop people-pleasing, you simply need the ability to say “This is not the best choice for me right now, so I’m going to say no.”  
   
   And to set a proper boundary, you simply say, “If you do this … then this is what I am going to do to.”  
   

So a boundary is not manipulation to try to control someone … it’s simply a response that you choose to to protect yourself if there’s been a boundary violation.

Trying to manipulate others to change doesnt’ work … but setting clear boundaries gives you power back over your own life and what you will accept or not accept.

5. In the best relationships, you let other adults be who they are and see the beauty in them right now. The best romantic relationships never try to manipulate the other to change – rather they appreciate their differences and meet in the middle for fun!

This is where the most personal growth happens – when you drop the need to control other people and take your power back over your own emotions.

When you do this, you are free to choose the best long-term relationships for you.

You can be empowered to create the life you want and pursue the goals and dreams you want.

And you can 100% love and cherish your relationship in the process.

This is freedom.  It’s personal growth. And it’s what 1:1 coaching does for you.


And here’s the beautiful thing – when you grow – everyone around you feels the shift.

Suddenly your conversations are easier.
They’re more intentional.
They’re more curious and thoughtful.

Your desire to spend time with your partner increases because it doesn’t feel exhausting.

They feel that shift and begin to respond differently.

Our energy affects our world. And it affects our people.

Not only that – when you learn to have an incredible relationship with yourself first, all those difficult decisions are now becoming clear. You’re able to tap into your own intuition and wisdom.

You’re dropping guilt and shame over the past and you’re replacing it with trust and hope.

This is what being an emotional adult means … you have control over your own emotions, decisions and how you show up in life.

That’s what 1:1 coaching can do for you … to help YOU be the emotional adult you want to be.

Let’s look at it this way….

Have you ever met someone who when they enter the room, you’re like, Oh, man, i really like them.

They just feel peaceful.

They’re great listeners.

They’re able to be present in the moment and not distracted.

You just generally feel good to be around.

You don’t feel like they’re faking anything … like they’re faking positivity…

You know if they’re having a hard day, but you also know they aren’t blaming everyone around them for their hard day.

They make it easy on you to like them.

We all have a friend like that.

… oR we’ve all at least met that person!

It’s easy to connect with them.

Anddddd…. On the flip side, we’ve all met the person who’s always on edge, never at peace, and carrying drama with them on the regular.


When you imagine yourself being around these two types of people … you know that the power of how someone else shows up affects the other people in the room.


Now… You could keep waiting for your partner to make it easy on you. And show up as that first person that makes it so easy on you ….

That’s option one … but you’ve been striving for that already, right? And i want you to get honest and ask yourself, “How’s that working out for me?”

Usually not too good!

But instead, you can learn to show up as the first person in this scenario.

And you become grateful for the things in life that are good.
You’re present with what’s happening now, not worried about the future or constantly living in the past.

And you know how to hold space for someone else.

You know how to show up as the person you want to be most.

That is the power of coaching … and then you can enjoy watching the ripple effect happen!

So … that said if you are done trying to do this on your own … if 1:1 weekly coaching excites you. If it’s something you want to do – let’s do this!

Either go to my website at rachaelcunningham.com and click on Work with Me to schedule a free consultation – or send me an email at hello@ rachaelcunningham.com to ask me questions.

ANd I can not wait to be your coach and show you what’s possible!

Cheerio friends!  I’ll talk to you next week!