Why does he chew like that? Other people probably feel sorry for me because my partner is so strange. Why are they suddenly dressing so weird? Can’t they read the room a bit more? Her hair has gotten out of control. Why is he SO obsessed over this one interest? They’re so sensitive to everything. He’s so anti-social.
CAN’T THEY JUST BE NORMAL???
If you’ve ever asked yourself any of these questions, you’re not alone.
If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that our partners can have strange tendencies that we aren’t used to yet!
Join me in this episode to learn why this is a good thing and how having a partner that’s a little weird gives us freedom to be our little bit weird selves too!
If you want help implementing the tools I teach, I would be honored to be your life coach. Working with a coach helps you to create change quicker, easier, and with more fun along the way! Are you ready to create a more Joyful Love in your own Life and Marriage? Then click here to find out more.
What You’ll Learn From This Episode
- Why you want freedom in your relationship to be exactly who you are
- Why you want your partner to have freedom to be exactly as they are
- Those of us with weird partners and friends are the lucky ones
- How the idea of ‘normal’ started
- Learn what’s really causing your irritations (hint: It’s not your partner)
Mentioned On The Show:
If you’d like to ask questions or tell me what you think, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Seth Godin’s Book, We’re All Weird
Go here to watch a free class and receive my weekly newsletters. https://www.rachaelcunningham.com/
Hi! This is Rachael Cunningham and you are listening to Joyful Love, Episode 6
You know … marriage weird. Can we just admit that? have you ever thought about this? … it’s strange thing to be entangled in this life forever with someone, isn’t it?
And more – over have you ever felt embarrassment because of how strange or weird your partner is?
If so, please know that you’re not alone … Many of us have been there.
But I want to offer a new perspective … those of us with strange and quirky partners …. Are the lucky ones!
My greatest teachers in this life have been my children.
And learning the importance of accepting people for who they are have also been my children.
As parents – we’re taught (through generations of the same attitude) that we are supposed to shape and mold our kids into these perfect little members of society that don’t rock the boat. Our kids are always supposed to know how to act and what to say and how to make everyone else around them feel comfortable.
It’s a heavy load to put on a child.
And as a parent … I was really no different – I tried to get my get to kids to adhere to what I thought they were supposed to be for a while…
But thankfully they were much more strong willed than I ever was as a child.
They fought to keep their uniqueness and I’m glad they did.
But inspite of all my struggles of learning how to parent on the job …. Which I’ll admit that I’m still dong! Inspite of that… My kids all have strong personalities that resisted my desire to make them fit into society.
I remember when I started realizing that my kids were perfect exactly as they are … I was like, Oh my God they’re amazing. They’re beautiful and unique and smart and witty and I don’t want them to look and act like other people’s kids!
And many of us with kids are saying the same thing …. We want our kids to be free to be their unique selves and not to feel like they have to mold themselves into mini versions of us …. OR mini versions of what society says they should be.
And that’s a beautiful thing!
And if you’re like most parents realizing this, we realize we still have a long way to go, right? Acceptance is a practice – that sometimes we fail and and then we pick ourselves up and keep practicing..
And …. I want to suggest that we don’t need to just do this for our kids …
We need to do it for OURSELVES and our PARTNERS!
Can we just embrace the truth that we are ALLLLLLLL strange. We’re all unique!
Some people do better at blending in with what society tells us we should be and look like and act like … but underneath ….
We are all weird.
There are no normal people and …
There are no normal marriages.
And to embrace and find the most joy in our relationships with our partners …. We need to accept that.
You know, When we first met our partners and fell in love, we were willing and able to let them be themselves. Instead of critical, We were curious.
We may have seen some limitations but we were willing to work with them, because we paid more attention to their appealing characteristics.
But fast forward to today and you might think your Partners’ personality or personality is just too strange.
You might think, He doesnt’ talk enough – why is he like that?
They dress weird….. Some of you might be thinking… “Why is he suddenly dressing like a teenager … and others … Why is he dressing like an old man!”
And usually if you’re critical to your partner … you don’t have to dig too deep to realize that you criticize yourself a lot too.
Or you might criticize yourself more than you do your partner.
I know I have these self critical thoughts sometimes! But I’ve learned to just notice the thought and stop BEFORE it gets to criticism.
I can own the fact that I’m a strange, unique creature!
You know … I am definitely weird! I like my alone time a little too much! And that makes it hard to hang out with people on a regular basis!
I really wasn’t phased by being quarantined for a year last year! I enjoyed the extra alone time!
Sometimes I think that’s strange about me!
And to add to it ..My hair is strange right now. It has a mind of it’s own as I age …. Hair styles that used to work just sorta lie flat.
You know who’s hair is also weird as he ages?
My handsom husbands. Yup … Sometimes he looks like a clown when he wakes up.
Another thing that’s weird about us both is that we have obsessive personalities….
When we have an interest, it’s hard for us to pay attention to anything else – including each other.
We’ve never wanted to keep normal jobs and as a family we all… generally feel like the odd balls if we compare ourselves to others!
Some things about Cris that were unique used to bother me …
ANd I know some things bothered him about me!
But over time, we’ve learned that our strange looks in the morning, our obsessions, and even our unique ways of relating with other people … well – it’s just who we are.
And it’s beautiful.
And when it’s a little irritating to one of us … we don’t add to those irritations by thinking it should be any different.
Because here’s the truth …
We should be weird.
Because everyone on this planet is weird. We need to just embrace it!
Everyone has strange hangups or unique personalities.
So if that’s true … where did the concept of ‘normal’ come from?
You wanna know where it came from?
It came from marketing — in order to sell mass marketing to most people, marketers had to make everyones desires the same. THey had to invent normal. They used clever ads to hype up and praise anyone who used their products. And they ostrasized those who didn’t look like, act like or embrace the change they were suggesting.
It worked. And it still does.
Advertising puts that little question in us that if we’d just be a little more like the people in their ads – we’d be happier and our lives would be better.
And you know as well as I do … that EVERY time you try to make yourself a little more normal and to blend in a little better — a little piece of you screams – that’s not gonna help. You’re not gonna be any happier if you look like the people in those ads.
You know, I remember when I realized that all my favorite people in this world are just a little bit weird!
All of my best friends have something that could be considered not normal about them. But I don’t think they’re unique in this! I think they’re just really good at embracing who they are instead of trying to fit into a mold that society tells them to.
And I’m better for it. I love being around people who embrace who they are to their core!
And it’s also true in my own marriage ….
My husband is weird.
And embracing our uniqueness – embracing the strange things about us is what makes our marriage amazing.
We don’t have to look like anyone else. We don’t have to do things the way other couples do.
We can make decisions and live our life how we want … simply because it works for us.
And YOU have that freedom too … if you’ll let yourself. ..to embrace your true self … to embrace your partner for exactly who they are.
Ahh…. you guys — feel the joy in that! Feel the beauty of embracing your partner for ALLLL their weirdness!
When you can do that – it’s gonna feel amazing to them because there is no greater joy in this world than to be seen and accepted exactly as you are.
And it feels amazing to be the person on the other side too – the person that sees beauty in the chaos. The on to see the good in the strange. And the one to accept, whole-heartedly the othe person as the are – feels amazing!
Now… this doesn’t come easy! it’s gonna take practice. It might feel uncomfortable at first to FULLY embrace you and your partners uniqueness.
I know your husband or wife dresses weird, they might wear their hair strange, they say weird things, they think and process in a way that you don’t understand …. And sometimes …. You tell yourself that they are just so irritating and so annoying.
But I want to remind you that they are NOT irritating and annoying.
Rather You have a thought that says, “they SHOULD be this way. Or they SHOULD dress more like this person, or they shouldn’t talk so much, or they should talk more”
The belief that they should be different than what and who they are is what’s irritating you.
The belief that your marriage should look like whatever couple you put on a pedestal is causing you to feel discontent and look for a way out.
But Let’s assume just for a minute that your partner – overnight decided to change all the things about themself that you find irritating.
They shifted personalities / they dress more like Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love rather than boring old man Steve Carell.
They acted normal … whatever that means to you …
Ok … here’s the deal.
Your brain is probably telling you that all these things would make you happy. That now you can be all in on your marriage.
But there’s a problem with this.
We’re basing this initial feeling on something that society has told us is the best way.
Maybe you would like your partner to make some of these changes …. But get really honest with yourself if this is you.
A big part of the reason you want these things is so that you will look NORMAL.
So that you don’t have to feel embarrassed. So that others … whether it’s your friends, your family, or the stranger you meet in the restaurant WON’T Think you’re strange.
So that you can feel comfortable in public.
So that maybe others will think, “Oh, what a perfect couple! They have it all together!”
And if others think that …. Then maybe you would too.
But what if I told you this ….
If you had a partner who was SOOOOO put together and SOOOOO well respected … you know what your brain would do?
It would tell you – “Well he looks good and everyone likes him …. But his perfection is SOOOO annoying. Why doesn’t he lighten up a bit? He’s so weird the way he clips his toenails in bed.” And your brain would KEEP finding all the quirks underneath the perfect exterior.
How do I know this? Because That’s what our brains do – they LOOK for what’s wrong. And if there’s nothing wrong – they create something wrong.
Humans want to fit in. It’s a tribal instinct that kept us alive a long time ago. But there’s a better way now – and we can embrace our differences and celebrate them.
Starting in our own homes … with the love of our lives!
But it’s gonna take practice. We have to watch our brains and notice what their doing.
We need to remind ourselves that Every couple Is different and unique.
And let me be the first to tell you … YOU can choose to believe anything you want.
You can choose to have 100% full acceptance for all you partners quirks and differences.
And when you embrace the weirdness …. You ARE the perfect couple. Right now exactly as you are.
Your uniqueness makes you perfect.
You’re supposed to be weird and strange and unique.
That uniqueness is probably what brought you together and embracing your own special unique relationship is what is going to not just KEEP you together – it’s what will help you to THRIVE together.
So when you notice something about your partner that’s different – and you have that gut reaction that says, “hide that. OR change that. Or I’m embarrassed by that.”
STOP right there.
And remember that you and your partner are supposed to be different
Your marriage doesnt’ have to look like mine. Your’e marriage doesn’t have to look like the movies. IT doesn’t have to look like anyone elses – even a little bit.
There is no perfect way to be married. There’s no perfect system to turn out perfect couples.
You are ALREADY the perfect couple.
Say that outloud to yourself and feel it in your body.
We are weird. And we are perfect.
How does that feeling make you want to react?
When you feel that deep into your bones … you’re gonna show up in a way that embraces YOURSELF and YOUR PARTNER.
I love looking at my own uniqueness and reminding myself that it’s so good that I married my husband because he handles my strange ways so well.
And when I notice things about my husband that would be considered strange – I embrace it. I might laugh at his clown hair in the mornings because it’s quite funny – but I’m not gonna add drama to it and tear him down with criticism and wishing he would fix that before he comes downstairs.
Nope – I’m glad he feels so safe with me that he can be himself and NOT hide or feel like he has to fix himself for me.
His imperfections. His weird quirks. His unique way of looking at life and relating to it are PART of our magical journey together.
ANd I’m so glad he thinks the same about me. He sees right through my imperfections and loves me anyway.
I want to offer right now that you can start thinking, “My partner is unique and strange and weird. And I’m here for it. I’m here for it all.”
We’re supposed to be weird.
We’re supposed to think differently and act differently than the rest of society.
And embracing you’re uniqueness / embracing your partners uniqueness
And embracing the uniqueness of your family – is what will DRIVE you to the beautiful and inspiring relationship your’e craving.
All the perfection in the world can not give you a great relationship.
Embracing the imperfection though? And seeing beauty in it – That’s where the magic is!
Our partners are weird.
And we’re exactly as we should be.
If you start to embrace who you are and embrace your partner in all their strangeness too…. You’re gonna blow your own mind at how great it feels to love them!
Seth Godin in his book We’re All Weird says,
The weird set an example for the rest of us. They raise the bar, they show us through their actions that in fact we are wired to do the new, not to comply with someone a thousand miles away.
So… as the strange, weird couple that you are …. Raise the bar in your own marriage – show your kids that in fact, they don’t have to settle for someone who doesnt’ accept them in ALL their weirdness. Show them that YOU accept them. Show your partner that you’re raising the bar in your marriage by dropping criticism and perfectionism.
Give them freedom to show up exactly as they are.
And give yourself freedom to be your own weird, strange uniquely beautiful self.
We’re all weird. And we should be.
So … Let yourself fall in love with the weirdness today – your own AND your partners!
It’s so much more fun this way!!
If you want to reach out to me and tell me what you think …
You can send me an email at email@example.com
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