Podcast 2 – Paint the vision

What if it could be so much better

Hi this is Rachael cunningham and you are listing to Joyful Love, episode 2

1. Hello Loves!

You are going to love because we’re talking about creating a vision for your life and your marriage.        

1. Beginning is easy

1. Good communication
2. Common goals
3. Dreams you’re accomplishing

2. Gets harder

1. Some of those dreams have come true

1. Kids
2. Education
3. Career
4. House …

1. BUT… these things are not as exciting as you’d hoped.  

1. Left wanting for more.
2. Stop having things to talk about
3. (Or one or more of your dreams didnt come true and that creates tension)
4. Feel like something is missing

3. If this sounds familiar … I want you to know that you can get back those exciting conversations full of connection and love again.

1. Dreaming again together.
2. Hoping.
3. Communicating in a way that connects you
4. Being intimate and creating romance again.

4. What WOULD IT BE LIKE FOR YOU TO HAVE The kind of marriage that you LOVE being in CONSISTENTLY?  WHAT WOULD CHANGE FOR YOU? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL if you were to know that when you walk in the door you feel a sense of relief … that ahh, that’s my person!
5. I’m going to share with you 3 steps to bring back vision in your marriage today.

2. First –  I want to clear something up … So many times we are taught and believe that passion and feeling in love is not in our control…

You know we think that if ourpartners would just do ALLL the things better… then we would feel more passionate and more in love with them.

Or if our circumstances were different, we could have a better marriage.


I think this is a disservice to yourself and your marriage. You’re giving all your emotional power away  to circumstances or or your partner.  

But on the contrary … we need to start with a new perspective on this … We have 100% control over how we feel in life and how much vision we create for ourselves … from our love life to our own self care….to our careers.

WE have control over creating that passion.

Vision and passion comes from YOUR brain. From the thoughts you think.

1. When you think hopeful thoughts, you have hope.
2. Passionate thoughts, feel passion
3. People with vision are in the habit of believing in themselves and those around them to make stuff happen!
           

You might be saying, BUT IT’S SO HARD, Rachael! You dont’ understand my life or my partner!

I hear you and I’ve been there. I AM there!


I remember when Cris and I moved from Seattle to Wilmington North Carolina. This was 14 years ago.

He had just started a business that was succeeding pretty quickly.
And we could live anywhere.

We chose wilmington, NC. We sold our house, sent all our belongings ahead of us, and flew with our 3 kids lacrosse the country to Wilmington.  We had a house in mind to buy and put an offer on it, hoping to close in 30 days.

We lived in a motel 8 for 4 weeks during that time and the house failed inspection. So we started over.  The next house we put an offer on fell through … so we moved to a temporary appt for another 6 weeks.

The next THREE houses we made offers on fell through!

We were becoming very disheartened … it had never been that hard to buy a house before!

Finally we decided to rent an appt. Instead of buying a house – because maybe … just maybe we were losing our vision for this city completely!

We eventually moved to Nasvhille TN that same year and havent’ looked back!

But During that time in NC, while Cris was succeeding at his first business…and I was determined to figure out how to be the best parent to my 3 children, one who is autistic and I didn’t have the support I needed during that time …. I wasn’t just losing vision for North Carolina, I was ALSO losing vision for our marriage and our relationship.

WE were so disconnected.

Our dates were filled with arguing and hurt feelings.

WE BOTH had intense worries and struggles that left very little energy to connect.

We stopped having fun in our relationship.

 … our marriage became one more source of stress… and one more thing that felt like a failure.

And … I was losing passion for our future.

So if this resonates with you a little …. Or anywhere close to it … I want you to know that there is hope! I promise!

But first we have to get you thinking better consistently so that you are creating the story you want. And over time, your brain will make it a habit… and you will begin creating the marriage and life you want.

It’ll become such a habit that even during the hard times that are out of our control, you’ll be able to see through the rough parts to get to the other side again.

3. How do we do this? How do we make having passion and vision for our marriage a habit?

It’s as simple as this … You Create a thought … You practice it and you repeat it.

But your brain is gonna resist this process.  Your lower brain wants EASE. ANd right now it might be in the habit of feeling frustrated and critical of your relationship.

So it wants to go back to these thoughts and feelings because changing them takes intention. ANd creating new neural pathways takes a bit of effort at first.

So expect this. Expect yourself to constantly want to go back to what you’ve been used to for a time….

And then go back to creating thoughts that are going to move you toward passion …

Practice them … and repeat.

But how do you start this process?

Remember I told you I’d give you THREE steps to get started?  Here they are.


1. So grab a notebook and start writing. Write down all of your current thoughts about your marriage and your partner.  Don’t judge yourself and don’t edit yourself. It won’t be pretty to look at. That’s okay!

Write all the reasons why you are not feeling vision and passion for your marriage. Write all the reasons you are not in love like you used to be. Write all the reasons why this married life is just too hard.

Now … just look at your thoughts. Without criticizing them.  Sit with them for a bit.

This does a few things … it helps you get your thoughts OUT of your brain.

It helps you to take an honest look at them.

You might notice yourself either saying, “Well this thought isn’t completely true … Or this one is completely factual!

But the point is to be able to look at these thoughts and NOTICE that they are holding you back from creating the life you want. They are keeping you stuck – stuck in frustration and confusion.

Back when we lived in that tiny appt in North caroline with 3 kids, and cris was starting a new business … I had the thought, “We’ve made a terrible decision” running through my brain.  It was holding me back from seeing the joy and love that was right there in that moment… and  It was holding me back from dreaming and creating the life i wanted now … instead of waiting for the perfect house ore the perfect city.

When I shifted my perspective and started to believe the thought, “I believe in us. I trust us to figure this out”, I opened my eyes to all the good already there … and began creating more good!”

But I had to thought swap first.

I had to become aware that my current thinking was holding me back.

So that’s you’re first step … become aware by writing down your current thoughts.

Okay, your 2nd step to creating passion and vision again. NOW this is the fun part!

I want you to think about exactly what you want in your marriage.

My teens often say ten outta ten! If they’re talking about anything they like!  An outfit, a meal, music – They’ll say, “ten outta ten cookie!  Ten outta ten song!

So what would make your marriage a ten outta ten marriage?

        Communicate

        Look in each others eyes more and connect

        Have healthy, intriguing discussions instead of arguing about your differences?

        Would you go on dates more?

        Would you work as a team with your kids and house hold chores?

        Would you have more sex?

        Would you have better sex?

        Would you feel heard?

        Would you put your phone down and listen better?

        Would you dream together about what’s next in your life?

3. Okay, the third thing you’re going to do is to  ask yourself.  If all of these things were true, right now … what would I be thinking?

1. I love being married.
2. I love my partner.
3. We’re such a good team.
4. Sex is fun!
5. I love our discussions.
6. Our differences serve us!

Now, pick one of these new thoughts (which may be old thoughts if you thought these in the beginning of your marriage! And now you’re just bringing them back to life!)

Pick one.

Practice it.

Repeat it.

Allow yourself to believe it more and more each time ….

Notice how you FEEL when you believe it.

DO you have hope again? Do you feel passion?

Your circumstances don’t even need to change for you to start bringing vision and passion back to your love life.

And if there is something in your life or marriage that you’d like to change – I’m ALL for growth in this life!

Staying stagnant and stuck in a rut is not fun.

But I want you to know that consistent change first begins in your mind, with a thought.

Every single change you’ve ever made began with one thought.

Every book written / every home bought / every dream accomplished started with ONE SENTENCE IN SOMEONE’S BRAIN – A thought!

An example of this is that My husband made a full feature length movie last year.

During a pandemic.

When we were BOTH starting new coaching businesses!

He’s been wanting to write, produce and film his first movie for YEARS!

Now since 2020 was a pandemic… We could have said, “this is the WORST time to make a movie!”

But I had the thought one day … and spoke it out loud, “CRIS, this is the perfect year to make a movie”

THat one little thought is what brought a life long dream to fruition.

Now… there were TONS of thoughts that followed!

Like, how are we gonna do this and be covid – safe?

How are we going to pay for this?
What if we don’t have the money?
What if this is a stupid decison?

Our brains gave us ALL the reasons to put on the breaks. Right?

But we kept going back to that one thought … “It’s the perfect year to make a movie.”

And it built vision.

And passion.

And excitement.

And it all started with ONE little sentence in my brain!


So …

I want you to find a thought that you want to believe.

And practice it.

It’s probably not gonna be, “Now is the perfect time to make a movie!”  But it might be something like, “NOW is the perfect time to grow closer to the love of my life”

come up with a thought that serves you and ignites you again. If your marriage keeps getting better and better this year …. How will you feel?

What will you be thinking?

Why not start practicing that thought today?

Alright loves,that’s what i have for yo today!  I hope this helps! Come back and listen to it a few times if you need to!

And again … I would love to hear from my listeners.  

SO Feel free to reach out and tell me what you think… and tell me what you want to talk about!

You can send me an email at podcast@rachaelcunningham.com

And if you have a minute and like what you’re hearing, please rate me on itunes and leave me feedback there.

Thank you for listening, y’all!

1. To become a person with vision for your marriage and your entire life, you need to create a neural pathway in your brain to make it more effortless.

Where they are now

Where do they want to be?

How they get there is bridging the gap.

Bridge the gap for them….

Okay, Here’s what we need to get you doing….

PAINT A VISION

WHAT”S IT ALL FOR?

BRINGING FUN BACK TO LIFE

Some of our hardest times…

We lived in a motel 8 for 3 weeks.

Then we lived in a temporary appt for another 6 weeks.

We kept trying to buy a house.

Every house fell through. Finally we decided to rent an appt.

During that time, Cris was building his first business and succeeded quite fast… that was the only good I could see in life.

But I didn’t even care much about that because WE were so disconnected.

Cris was determined to succeed at his business to provide for us … and I was determined to figure out how to be the best parent to my 3 children, one who is autistic.  

WE BOTH had intense worries and struggles that left very little energy to connect.

We stopped having fun in our relationship.

And since it was no longer fun … since our joy was depleted.

… our relationship became a source of stress.

I wish I could have told myself then what I know now … That you can have all the hard things in life happen — you can have differences — you can be on different pages at times — AND you can thoroughly ENJOY your life and marriage too.

YOU can even have fun as you LEARN to enjoy life together again!

So right now — no matter where you are in this life with your partner …  

Whether you’re newly married or starting a new career, or learning how to parent without screwing up your kids … or maybe you’re sending kids off to college one right after another … I want you to start creating a new story for your relationship.